Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My ass is underappreciated
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
