I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Someone shattered a urinal.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
