I'm lost and stupid without you.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
