So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
