I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
