Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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