Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
