I hate your face
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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