I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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