peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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