We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
