can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
