if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
