shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
