saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
