I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We don't watch enough power rangers
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
