I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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