True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
