My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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