Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
