If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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