Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
