its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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