Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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