Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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