I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
