She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
