My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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