If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Couch. On fire.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
