Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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