If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
