I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
