remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
