Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize