My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
