What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize