Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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