if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
