I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
