if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I sprained my soul last night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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