i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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