I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize