My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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