My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
