my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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