sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
