Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
