I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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