I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
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