Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
