so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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