just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
