planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
