Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
