I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
