What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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