Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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