I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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