1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
