I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
